The Biblical Guide to Breaking Up

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I’ll admit this upfront: There is no way to break up that doesn’t hurt, but there is a way not to add more suffering to the pain. As oxymoronic as that might sound, hear me out. Breaking up is hard enough; we don’t have to add insult to injury by doing it poorly. Like many of you, I have experienced a few bad breakups. You know, like how Quincy broke up with Monica because he was reeling over his parents’ impending divorce in Love and Basketball, how Allie broke things off with Noah to live up to her parents’ expectations in The Notebook, or how Lara Jean Covey dumped Peter Kavinsky after the infamous ski trip and hair tie incident in To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before? Yeah, I don’t endorse any of those methods. Fortunately, in the mix of all my breakups is at least one that didn’t suck as much. I’ve reflected on that and wise words from others to bring you what I’m calling the biblical guide to breaking up. There’s no exhaustive list of how to end things with a romantic partner, but we can put into practice good advice for what not to do based on timeless biblical wisdom.  

Jesus, Master or Words, Please Help Me

First, if we apply the dated yet useful WWJD (“What would Jesus do?”) to the breakup scenario, I feel safe in saying Jesus would use no hurtful words. We’ve already established that ending a relationship is painful enough without adding words that don’t soften the blow. Several scriptures support this suggestion, including Ephesians 4:29,

 “Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers.” 

Isn’t grace exactly what we need after a breakup? Wouldn’t we all be a little better off if everyone followed this advice? Another scripture to guide the use of words in a breakup is “A fool vents all his feelings, but a wise man holds them back” (Proverbs 29:11). This venting includes Christian breakup language, like “It’s not you. It’s God.” You may be wrestling with God, Him having shown you reasons you need to get out of the relationship, but there’s no need to overshare with your soon-to-be former significant other the intimate details of your conversation with God, especially when it’s bound only to hurt or confuse them more.

So, if you want to break up in a gentler way, remember to use no hurtful words.

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Don’t Let it Linger

Secondly, to minimize the pain of breaking up, in the words of Jesus to Judas: “Do what you must do quickly” (John 13:27). In my words, don’t let it linger. Proverbs 3:27-28 says, 

“Do not withhold good from those to whom it is due, when it is in the power of your hand to do so. Do not say to your neighbor, ‘Go and come back and tomorrow I will give it,’ when you have it with you.”

This somewhat archaic scripture may not be speaking to you, but it screams to me: Do not linger in the act of breaking up! Lingering does no good to anyone. When you know it needs to happen, just say the (gentle) words and get it over with. Another scripture like the one above from Proverbs is James 4:17 which says, 

“To him who knows to do right and does not do it, to him it is sin.”

You may be thinking, “Breaking up with someone never feels good.” The breakup may not feel good, but being obedient to what you believe God is leading you to do is always the right thing to do. Furthermore, it is right to allow someone to move on and rebuild their single life once you know they no longer have a future with you. The sooner you release them, the sooner they can heal and love again.

So again, don’t linger. Don’t stay when God says go. Ultimately, neither of you is helped that way.

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Find Hope in God

The last breakup suggestion that can keep you hopeful is all about God. Despite the emotional low you feel after the breakup, remember that God hasn’t forgotten about you. Romans 8:28 says, 

“All things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to his purpose.” 

That scripture doesn’t stop being true because of the pain of a breakup, even if it means you need to take a break from dating altogether. During my junior year of college, I decided to break up with the guy I thought I’d marry (we’ll call him Quincy). At the time, I was experiencing spiritual growth more rapidly than I ever had before. I was in a thriving church, and my relationship with Christ had become the most important thing in my life. In the process of growing spiritually, I saw several problems in my relationship with Quincy. Even though I loved him, I knew we needed to break up. Once I made the decision, I soothed myself by reasoning that if we were meant to be together, then God would bring us back together in the future. Once we broke up, I stopped dating for a long time, about three years. During that time, my vision for the best mate for me was refined. I became less vulnerable, having fewer cravings for any type of affection and more selective of the right kind, and I experienced solitude with Christ, allowing myself to become enamored with Christ in deeply satisfying ways. It was like I understood Paul’s words in I Corinthians 7 that say, 

“The unmarried woman cares about the things of the Lord, that she may be holy in both body and spirit” (34). 

This verse is not saying that a married woman doesn’t care about the things of the Lord or that she isn’t holy, but it is true that the married (and even the dating) woman cares almost as much about how to care for and please the one on whom she bestows her affection. If she doesn’t, she isn’t dating correctly. On the other hand, not dating allows the single person to lean into pleasing only God, focusing on Him in ways that may not be possible when married.

I joked about having experienced several break-ups, and unfortunately, I have (although the word several is relative). If the same is true for you, take heart in this: It actually is better to have loved and lost. This is my opinion, but I think it has some merit. In my case, each relationship taught me something about myself and about the human condition. I learned what type of person I thrive around and what personality traits make me uncomfortable. Dating has many other benefits, but that’s for another article. After your heart has been broken, allow God to prove how much he cares for you over time with His words and with Himself.

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Spread the Love

Maybe you see heartbreak as a solitary experience, but you don’t have to mourn the loss of love alone. Leaning on family (both genetic and spiritual) after a break-up could prevent you from entering prematurely into another relationship in search of soothing. The love around you in faithful friends and family is an extension of God’s love for you—a love that can satisfy you.

Breaking up is hard to do, but doing it while putting the other person’s feelings first ensures that even when you’re losing love, you’re gaining the character to love again.

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This article originally appeared on Christianity.com. For more faith-building resources, visit Christianity.com.