5 Ways for Oldest Daughters to Heal
Women
Audio By Carbonatix
By Becky Weber, Crosswalk.com
I grew up as the oldest of three sisters. Being the oldest is a unique position to be in. I was the first child to experience things in my family, never had an older sibling, and felt like I had to be the responsible one. My childhood was not horrible, but being the oldest left some areas in my life that I have had to work on healing. I have been a bit of a perfectionist, have had unrealistic expectations for myself, and have cared way too much about what others think of me. It took me until I was in my 30s to realize this about myself, but you can't heal what you aren't aware of. I have slowly started letting go of these things, and I really feel like I am becoming a healthier person. If we want to heal, we need to have some direction on what needs to be done. I want all oldest daughters to know that you can become a better version of yourself and start the healing process.
Here are five ways for oldest daughters to heal.
1. See a Counselor
One of the best things that anyone can do for themselves is to see a counselor, and preferably one who is a Jesus follower themselves. As the oldest daughter, it is hard to navigate all the feelings, things that happened while growing up, and any area we have messed up in. We need a safe place to process our emotions so we can heal in any areas that we need to. For most of my life, I struggled with expressing my feelings. The longer we hold these things in, the greater the chance there is for them to come out in a way we don't want. We could end up hurting someone we love, which is why we need to address it when it arises. Seeing a counselor can be intimidating, but I promise it will be helpful. That way, we won't bring the extra baggage into our own families, and change the things that need it.
2. Let Go of Perfectionism
As an oldest child, one of the things that I have struggled with is being a perfectionist. Everything that I did needed to be up to an unrealistic expectation that I placed on myself, which was never met. Then I would usually become really disappointed in myself. I knew that my parents loved me, but for some reason, I felt like I had to be a perfect kid. This ultimately made me feel like I was never good enough, which was not true. Now that I am on the other side of things, I have had to work hard to overcome this mentality.
One thing that helped me was becoming aware of when these tendencies arose. This made me check myself and make changes so that unrealistic expectations weren't something I tried to achieve anymore. It is hard to let go of old tendencies, but it becomes easier the more times I notice what I'm doing. We need to realize that no one is perfect and that we will all mess up at some point. If we continue to strive for perfection, we may inadvertently place unrealistic expectations on others as well. Jesus is the only one who was perfect; we need to remember that, give ourselves grace, and see ourselves as our Savior does.
3. You Don't Have to Be a People-Pleaser
One of the most miserable ways to live is trying to be liked by everyone. I lived this way for a really long time and still can struggle with it. When you are a people pleaser, you will never succeed because you can't always please everyone. It is impossible. Jesus didn't make us to be like this. We are called to walk in a relationship with Him and know that He has always been pleased with us.
If we can understand how he feels about us, we can release the need to be liked by others. Then if someone is not pleased with us, it won't hurt as much. It won't feel like we are being rejected. As a person who has had to learn how to do this, it is much more freeing when we respond to the love that Jesus has for us. We were only meant to get our whole worth and significance from him, not from how much others like us.
4. You Can Ask for Help
As an oldest child, I have always been very independent. I rarely asked people for help with anything because I relied on myself. This isn't the way we were created to live. Yes, we do need to be responsible for ourselves for most things, but Jesus made us to be part of community. Each one of us has particular gifts, and we are meant to use them to serve others. Where one of us lacks, someone else can step up and use what they have been given to help others. We are not meant to rely only on ourselves; we can ask others when we are in need.
I have had to learn to do this, and it hasn't been easy. I don't like to put myself out there because I am fearful of getting hurt. When I have relied on others, there have been times when I have been hurt or disappointed. Jesus has shown me that I need to extend grace to those who have hurt me and forgive. I know I have been the person who has not followed through before and hurt others, too. We are to continue doing life together, relying on each other, and extending grace and forgiveness when needed.
5. You Can Set Boundaries
We should rely on others, but at the same time, there are situations where we may need to set some boundaries. I have had a hard time telling people “no,” even when I don't want to do something. This isn't healthy, and it does me more harm than good when I don't mean what I say. Each one of us needs to be responsible for our own actions and for ourselves. If we don't do that, we risk being walked on by others and taking on things we are not meant to carry. People will have expectations of us, and when those expectations become unrealistic, we can carry them for others when we shouldn't. We can get burned out if we are not clear about boundaries. I speak from experience. It has always been hard for me to set boundaries with others. Over the past couple of years, I have started doing it more, but it hasn't been easy. I don't like letting others down, but even if I try not to, I will at some point. I won't live up to what others want from me all the time. Setting boundaries and being clear about them helps me live in freedom and not become a slave to someone else's needs. If others feel that their needs are not being met, they will likely be upset about it. That is why boundaries are important; we are not responsible for how other people will react. They are responsible for that. Boundaries keep us from trying to be the person who meets everyone's needs that are not ours to meet. As an oldest child, it can be hard to learn to do this, but it is necessary for our own well-being.
I hope you know how special you are. It is such a unique place to be as the oldest daughter. Some of the things that might have been hard for you growing up can actually be used for good. You had the privilege of being the first child in your family. You were the one who got to do all the things first and blaze a trail for your siblings. You might have been the one who was the protector and got to watch over the ones younger than you. It can be an honor to be the one whom others look up to. Things might not have been easy for you, but I don't think it is easy in any position in the family. Each place has good things about it and drawbacks. We all have the opportunity to do what it takes to heal and become better. Take some time for self-reflection and identify the areas in your life that need healing. Let others in on what you are processing, and don't do it alone. Learn from what you have experienced and use it for good things. We must decide how to move forward, and it is possible to become healthier even after being hurt. The best news is that Jesus can take our pain, heal us, and then use it for good. Be willing to trust him, and know he will bring you through to the other side.
